I'm a monster Bella

Arguably the biggest release of the year, Twilight-fever has taken the world by storm, giving young girls everywhere feelings that they probably shouldn’t be having yet and women another reason to be disappointed in their boyfriends.

I had avoided this series like the plague lest I be drawn in and cast my heterosexuality into dispute, this is clearly the kind of film that people like me should hate on principal but partly for the site and partly for curiosity I tried to watch this film with an unbiased eye and review it accordingly, so here goes.
I watched the first film the night before and honestly was quite surprised but how not terrible it was, I won’t go into too much detail as it would make two reviews but just know that I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it.

For those of you who don’t know, fellas, Twilight is about a young girl named Bella (Kristen Stewart) looking for the perfect man to knock her about. I say this as she seems to only find men attractive if they have or are about to beat her about the face with their super-strength. She finds this in the form of Edward Cullen (Robert ‘AAAAHHHHH’ Pattinson) who just so happens to be a vampire, albeit the most girl-ified vampire in the history of the world, you won’t believe some of the nonsense that Stephenie Meyer (the author) thought up. In New Moon tragedy strikes as Edward, (fearing for Bella’s safety, as he keeps accidentally throwing her across the room) leaves the country and her behind throwing her into a deep depression. She does several stupid things in order to feel closer to him before she ends up in the arms of Jacob Black (Taylor ‘AAAHHHH BICEPS’ Lautner) who just so happens to be a werewolf, another bastardisation of an old favourite, who also leaves her for her own safety (as he may accidentally rips her guts out).

The visual style of the film was quite impressive. It carries on with the same style they started with in the first film, with the big sweeping camera movements that circle the actors and the disorientating movements and cuts to symbolise Bella’s unstable emotions, and it works much better in the film than its predecessor. It was overused in the first one and not done particularly well, from mistimed cuts to shaky, awkward steady-cam use this film was much more fluid, I really had to pay attention to notice a lot of it because it was so seamless. The CGI has taken a step up also, as a lot of sequels do this film contains about 5 times the action (which makes it 5 times 10 seconds) which will disappoint any big action fans but I doubt anyone would go to see New Moon expecting much of that, there is just so much teen angst and too little time for explosions. One of the things that this film is really lacking at points is sound, during some of the more emotionally charged scene I felt a distinct lack of sound that would have put the finishing touch on, a crescendo here and there would have added a lot.

The story is……well, its pretty much exactly what you expect. That being said, I was entertained for about 90% of the film, nearer the end of the second act it did start to plod along and then the third act quite visibly rushed but for the most part I was entertained. For any true men out there whose curiosity gets the better of them of whose partner insists on seeing the film in the cinema, go when it is busy, watching and listening to the audience gave me some of the biggest laughs that I have ever had in the cinema. The dialogue is full of cheesy lines which would make me cringe in a normal situation but with the melodramatic response of the audience had me laughing so loudly I feared for my life, being beaten to death by 2 hundred pre-pubescent teens did not appeal, I would love to say that the writing was terrible but given what the film is aiming to do it was spot-on. The characters are stupid and whiny and stupid but that’s what teens are like, I remember, and the characters act accordingly. The film does seem to being going nowhere in particular for the majority and then feel like we are missing a LOT of story nearer the end but the journey is enjoyable enough and the girls loved it, certain things should have been toned down a notch or two but all in all acceptable.

The actors. I’m going to focus on the three main characters as the rest aren’t very important honestly. First Kristen Stewart as Bella. I’m really not too sure what to say about her, I think looks-wise she has the perfect mix between a film-star and the girl next door. The kind of girl that you could see on the street and then high-five your mates when she isn’t looking. She plays her part well, I don’t remember any particular part where I distinguished between Kristen and Bella. For the majority of the film she came off as, for lack of a better word, a nasty bitch which I assume was the intention as she was doing some pretty nasty bitchy things so……good? During the more emotionally charged scenes she does very well, bringing a believability that must have taken some work during the more nonsensical scenes.
Robert Pattinson, I really don’t see it but I like boobies so… For someone who is meant to be able to move really quickly he tends to walk in slow motion wayyyy too much. For most of the film he isn’t present, just appearing in little illusions that only Bella can see. For the little that Pattinson actually did he was fine. He looks off to the side a lot and pulls a face like he is in pain all the time which was a bit annoying though clearly on purpose and it had the whole theatre literally screaming at the screen so I guess it works pretty well. The bit at the very end, which I won’t reveal for anyone who intends to see the film, was delivered perfectly, that’s all I’m going to say but even I was impressed by the pacing and delivery. I was going to leave this out but I have to bring it up. When asked what happens to a vampire who walks in to sunlight most sane people would say that they burst into flame of at least start to smoke, running back inside smelling like bacon but no! Now when asked, a way too large section of society will say ‘they glitter like pretty diamonds!’ I am angered by this, as should you be, ok, I got that out, moving on.
Taylor Lautner is plays Jacob, The new Edward. He has a much bigger role in this film that the first one and he steps up. He isn’t as good as Kristen which is understandable and his character is less well-rounded, his main role seems to be to wander around topless, showing off his suspiciously hairless chest, I mean, he’s a wolf for god sake, it just doesn’t make sense. As with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson his acting skill isn’t going to worry the greats and this film won’t guarantee that he has a successful career once the films are over but all in all I think that they do a better job that the Harry Potter young’ns which isn’t really saying anything at all.

Overall the film is pretty damn good. You know what to expect when you go in and it gives it to you. Without a shadow of a doubt it will more appreciated by females and homosexual men but it isn’t so feminised that us hetero’s can’t watch it without having to rethink our lives.

7 ‘That’s not a Vampire’s out of 10

The slightly-film-related-question-of-the-week is

What is the best Vampire film of all time?

I vote From Dusk til Dawn

Kesley Wilson

kesley@itsnotatumour.com

Like

Unlike

Tags: AAAAHHHHH, Bella, disputed hetrosexuality, Edward Cullen, Fear of pre-pubescent reaction, Jacob, Kirsten Stewart, New Moon, not terrible, Review, Robert Pattinson, sexy fun time, Suspicioulsy hairless chest, Taylor Lautner, Twilight, Vampires, women disappointed in boyfriends

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 29th, 2009 at 3:18 pm and is filed under Film. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.