A fox, not unlike this one was completely f**ked up by some chickens this week.
It was reported as the light hearted animal related story that usually concludes the 6 o’clock news, but this was no cliché cat up a tree, or urban badger gets a PHD drivel that we are accustomed to as we finish our dinner. No. On the 3rd of March 2010 viewers in the south of England were told a tale of a unique instance of inter species homicide; sometime in the early hours of the morning a fox was killed by a gang of chickens as it entered their coup…
I know what you are thinking, “LOL” or something like that. It is an unusual occurrence, and occurrences like this are often humorous. We’ve all seen the video of the squirrel riding the jet ski and think it’s both curious and hilarious. Chickens aren’t a species know for standing their ground in a crisis, perhaps explaining why they are rarely deployed in a wartime situation as a last line of defence. I imagine the majority of people who watched or heard about this story would side with the chickens who were seemingly defending themselves against their natural predator. However, it’s not until you examine certain aspects of this incident that you begin to see its sinister undertones start to emerge…
Firstly, you have to look at the incident itself. According to owners of the Essex based chickens. The late fox had snuck into the chicken coup at some point the previous evening and attempted to have its wicked way with (eat not rape) the chickens that dwell inside. At some point amidst the desperate struggle that transpired within; a cockerel named “Dude” managed to gain the upper hand and push a small table over, trapping the fox and incapacitating him. While the fox lay helpless underneath a small piece of chicken furniture, Dude and several other chickens proceeded to peck the fox to death.
The owners statement of the event raises several alarming issues that I feel demand attention. First being who deems it necessary to provide their livestock with miniature furniture? Small tables have no place in the day to day life of a chicken. Chickens aren’t known for their ability to socialise and are unlikely to need a designated place to discuss important issues. If the owners have assumed their chickens were some sort of super poultry that function on a higher level then other chickens you would assume there would be better and more productive ways of nurturing their talents. Provide them with access to literary masterpieces? Take them to the theatre? Go on Mastermind? Not spoil them and kit out their coup like a small living room.
I also have to call into question the reasons behind calling a cockerel “Dude”. The only logical reason why someone would call a chicken “Dude” would be to reference the Coen Brothers comedy “The Big Lebowski”, this however is unlikely due to the films cult status. Unless of course the title “Dude” was a further extension of this poorly executed nurturing of presumed chicken intelligence. Giving a pampered cockerel (who already has its own small table) a name like “Dude” could do nothing else but give said bird a superiority complex, making it unable to act normally in social situations. This may explain why the Dude acted so violently to an intruder.
"He moves like a bird-- lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still, because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement, like T-Rex; he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not a chicken. You stare at him and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes-- not from the front, but from the side, from the other two chickens you didn't even know were there."
The extreme nature of the violence that occurred in the coup also needs addressing. The chickens owner mentioned that the small (and unnecessary) table was pushed over by the chickens trapping the fox underneath. There is no way a single chicken could push over a table. I have spoken to several sources who have seen a chicken similar to the ones involved in this story, and they have told me with some confidence that chickens are unlikely to be able to push over a table. They are the wrong build, they have no arms or gripping hands and very thin legs. My point is a chicken as it exists wasn’t designed to topple novelty furniture. However, it is entirely possibly that several chickens that were both co-ordinated and organised could generate enough forward momentum to push over a miniature table. If this is true, it is also possible that the decision to trap and kill the fox was an act of premeditation and not simply self defence as initially indicated. Whilst the fox was lying under the questionable table unable to move, the chickens decided to finish the fox off and peck him to death. The fox was no longer a threat, the chickens on the scene should had informed the authorities of the incident instead of taking the law into their own hands.
I also must take issue with the way in which the British media have reported this story. The 6 o’clock report was littered with fox and chicken puns, that apart from being some of the best word play I have heard all week (“foul play” was a highlight) it was massively inappropriate and insensitive. A fox had died. The report was extremely bias on the side of the chickens. They were championed as heroes that overcame their natural enemy, but irony is not a adequate excuse for murder (in whatever hilarious or unusual form). If it was the other way around and a posh fox had killed some chicken after bashing their head in with a chaise lounge, there would be universal outrage. We can extend this theory further. If an accountant was to be killed by its natural predator (the common polar bear) no one would bat an eyelid. But if a simple accountant would attack and kill a polar bear, the small man would not be greeted with the applause and approval that these chickens have received. The accountant would be condemned for taking the life of a beautiful creature and all traces of how wonderfully ironic the whole situation was would be lost over how much of a complete shit he was to beat the bear to death with next years projected profit margins.
Disney’s “The Lion King” taught the world two very important lessons. 1) Africa’s indigenous wildlife have natural rhythm, and 2) the circle of life is extremely important. When the Daddy Lion with Darth Vader’s voice explained to young Matthew Broderick Lion how everything had its place in the world and everyone was fine with that, people around the world gave a sigh of relief. Darth Vader Lion had tenderly explained that we all had a purpose and for a while everyone knew who they were and what they were doing was of value. Foxes are supposed to eat chickens and chickens are supposed to be eaten by foxes. Both parties have been cool with this arrangement for centuries. It was the circle of life and shit. But now these chickens have essentially raped the circle of life, turning the universe on its head. Now there are no limits and nothing has a place. In a few years time you could find yourself working for a caterpillar or a bee could be your local MP. If this does happen (and it probably will) I doubt the “South Today” News programme or former “HOW 2” presenter Fred Dinenage will find the whole thing hilariously ironic.
Tags: Accountants, Badger with PHD, censorship, Chicken Intelligence, Chickens, Cockerel, Darth Vader, Double Standards, Dude, Essex, Fox, Fred Dinenage, How 2, Inter Species Homicide, Irony, Jet Ski Squirrel, Mastermind, Matthew Broderick, Murder, News, No Rape, Polar Bear, programmes that are almost good, Revenge, sexy fun time, Small Chicken Sized Furniture, Terminator, The Lion King, Unusual and Hilarious, violence, Zombies
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best.article.ever
I lol’d throughout
So did I, an I rarely laugh. Although I do enjoy a good pun now and then…
bahahaha, Your saying exactly what I was thinking whilst reading this in the metro!
Its all laughs and smiles when a group of chicken Kills a Fox but when a group of hounds do its a completely different kettle of fish.
I didn’t know the press were racist towards animals until this very very sad and horrifying day!!!
There is Nothing wrong With foxhunting. Anyone who Disagrees with it it A total moron.
Giant lolz.
“Africa’s indigenous wildlife have natural rhythm”
hEY EVERYONE, you’re main man Dave promised me he’d publish an article i wronte. But he didn’t. So, just look what I sent back, sure showed him who’s boss!! I’ve a feeling he’ll just publish my articles from now on
—————–
Hi Dave
Love the Fox article! Just wondering if you’ve had a chance to read my article yet? Only you said you’d upload a few more articles, yet I’ve only seen one new one, and it isn’t mine!
I was trying my best, but for some reason I don’t seem to have lived up to your lofty expectations. Do you not like politics, was that it? Or do you just hate me?
It’s OK, I understand us newbies don’t deserve a career in journalism, what with us having no track record. It’s not like I needed the money urgently or anything, it’s not like I’m about to LOSE MY FLAT or anything, it’s not like I owe anyone load’s of money or anything!! Is it?
My mum always told me not to trust anyone as they’ll only let you down. Well thank you very much Mr. Expert, thank you halting my career before it’s even begun. Do you know how many weeks of redraft after redraft I spent on that article?
I’m writing this on my friend’s old PC, having pushed my Macbook on the floor thanks to you. I would suggest that you pay towards a new one, given you’re involvement in all this, but I can’t because ‘es juelle-que neige de’bonte plus’!! And that’s putting it mildly.
So what happens now? Are you going to just walk over there and post my article like a good boy so we can pretend this little drama never happened? Or are you just going to just not do that???
I remember when I wrote a song for my old band, and they promised me we’d play it at our next gig. I started the drum intro, but kept on playing as I thought they’d simply missed their cue. Two minutes of solo drumming later, I looked up and realised not only my band, but the entire audience were laughing at me. Basically, they were never going to play my song at all – they just wanted me to look stupid. Well, how stupid did they look when I got up and shouted at them onstage in front of everyone? It certainly silenced the audience!!
Why am I crying? Is it because you didn’t publish my article? Or is it because I just banged my face on the table because of you? You’d think it hurts, but to be honest after everything you’ve done this is nothing.
You just had to get my hopes up, didn’t you? Why do you need to be cruel? I know journalism is supposed to competitive, but for goodness’ sake, at least tell me constructively if you think my work’s terrible. I just slammed my hand in my desk drawer. Again and again and again. Happy?
What’s wrong with my writing? I’m a very talented writer – for two years I’ve been working at this, getting better with each article. I have a scrapbook with around eighty failed articles in it – my Book of Shame. THIS article, on the other hand, was not only my finest work, but better than anything I see in magazines. What was wrong, were you scared I’d upstage you (that I’d make you lot look bad by comparison)? Well spare a thought for my my laptop and think about what you made me do and why I did it.
But don’t don’t worry. I’m giving up journalism. Loud and clear, I get it, I know when I’m not wanted. Sorry I didn’t turn-out some generic words about celebrities or famous people. I’m sorry I dare to be different, to push the envelope, to take word-writing to the next level. I only wanted to make a difference, and make some good money while I was at it. Is that such a crime??
This may be all you have to do, but some of us actually have to WORK in real jobs to make ends meet. This is the only media outlet that offers money to unpublished writers like myself, and turns them into full-time journalists overnight. I can just picture you now, laughing about me in your fancy office in the neat part of town. You know that you only got where you are today by stepping over ambitious writers like myself, who aren’t only in it for the money. Now I live in a borrowed room above a forgotten pet shop, crying about the promises that you made. Did you overspend on the budget this month? Or did you insist to the accountant that there was only enough money left for one article, before accidentally pocketing my fee (embezzlement)? You sicken me.
I TOLD EVERYONE TO LOOK OUT FOR MY ARTICLE, YOU KNOW. WHAT DO I TELL THEM NOW? YOU HAVE MADE ME LOOK STUPID – ON SO MANY LEVELS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!
Now I expect to see my article on the website like we agreed at once.
Cheers man! ;0
Jordan Bills
ROVING REPORTER
you’re main man Dave
>your main man
yo Jordan Bills im really happy for yo, and yo rude letter, and imma let yo finish, but It’s Not A Tumour doesn’t make any profit, or pay any money for articles, or have a swanky office, or have an accountant, sorry yo threw yo macbook on the floor, and slammed yo fingers in a draw
-webmaster
Dear Jordan Bills (Roving lunatic),
It is clear to all who read this that you may be a little unstable….and incredibly delusional.
“This is the only media outlet that offers money to unpublished writers like myself, and turns them into full-time journalists overnight.”
…..really? REALLY?! What have you been smoking?! 60% of all employed writers have to have a second job in order to make a living.
Writing doesn’t pay, unless you’re JK Whatsit…or Alison Graham of the Radio Times. And The Tumour certainly doesn’t pay either!
And personally, I wouldn’t grumble about living in a Forgotten Petshop….it sounds amazing, like something out of a Dickens novel.
Now don’t go publicly dissin’ our MAIN MAN Dave ….or we’ll….well, we’ll probably do nothing except make fun of you abit and never let Dave forget about the day he destroyed a young aspiring writer’s dreams’.
-Kimmy
P.S. it’s probably a good thing you broke your laptop…i doubt you’ll be able to type very well after slamming your hand in a drawer like that and there’s no need to dangle the carrot, you’ll only make yourself more upset.
I don’t know about you Kim but Dave pays me a handsome sum of moolah to write articles for him? But only because I promised to keep my mouth shut about his new swanky office, embezzlement of Tumour funds and his plans for world domination and taking this website to the next level. A website for making sock hangers.
Dave’s a bastard
Why start such a scaving email with a smiley face? Wierdo
Dave shud publish his article – i bet it was crap anyway!!! Wud sure teach that loser to behave!
I’d love to see an It’s Not A Tumour office
I TOLD EVERYONE TO LOOK OUT FOR MY ARTICLE, YOU KNOW. WHAT DO I TELL THEM NOW? YOU HAVE MADE ME LOOK STUPID – ON SO MANY LEVELS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!
>ON SO MANY LEVELS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!
Nice try Jordan Bills!! We know Pete Furnish is really you in disguise
I love the internet
It’s a bit shit for Jordan Bills if he’s been promised that the article would be posted but the website should maintain final right of publication but offer constructive criticism rather than flaming from his clique. Don’t put off potential writers by speaking in half-truths.
On the same note, Mr Bills handing out ultimatum’s won’t help him get published now or in the future. but an awesome response that has riled Dave. Owned.
<3 JordanBills
How did Dave get owned?
Dave sent him a private, very pleasant email telling him that if he had been patient he was waiting until he got a full compliment of articles. (If he’s waiting for mine your fucked really). What need is there to write on his website, a complete load of bullshit about Offices, accountants and embezzlement? What would he possibly hope to gain from any of it? A few ‘lols’ ’street cred’ or does he just not have anything better to do? (I’m a hypocrite)
Also for a aspiring writer his English is terribly poor (Being a hypocrite again) maybe he should have wiped away his tears of rage and clicked the spell check button.
“But don’t don’t worry. I’m giving up journalism. Loud and clear, I get it, I know when I’m not wanted. Sorry I didn’t turn-out some generic words about celebrities or famous people. I’m sorry I dare to be different, to push the envelope, to take word-writing to the next level. I only wanted to make a difference, and make some good money while I was at it. Is that such a crime??”
This was my favourite bit…… why submit an article if you didn’t agree with what the website posts in the first place? Generic words? Your mean phrases like “push the envelope” aren’t generic? Writing about Politics? Isn’t generic? Unless you are writing your article in a made up language, however you compose your argument is going to be wholly generic. It’s very close to impossible to be original in this age of blogs, youtube, twitter and newspapers. How is anything you say going to be original and not generic. Unless your making huge claims about a little known MP or Person that have never been heard before, someone somewhere has already probably explained to the world that Gordon Brown is a bit shit yeh? Or are you against the other guy? David whatshisface…. Either way. I’m sure the world is missing out on your article because you weren’t patient enough to wait maybe another week for it to be “published”.
Yours Sincerely
Dave’s ‘Lawyer/Accountant/WaterCooler’
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I’m Jewish.