"Ask Wesley" is in no way associated with popular movie actor Wesley Snipes or his estate.
ASK WESLEY provides brutally honest advice for those in need of help from a friendly celebrity face. Ask Wesley is you one stop shop if you need a multimillion dollar shoulder to cry on (metaphorically of course, don‘t be coming round my house with your weeping face or there will be no advice for you).
I have lived a long and interesting life and know shit about shit, so if you have a problem with some sucker come to me. I have been cryogenically frozen and shit and fought with Sylvester Stallone as well as evaded capture from Tommy Lee Jones for several days, Jeremy Kyle cannot make a similar claim. Remember that.
(Everyone who writes in with a question for Wesley is given a pseudonym to ensure complete anonymity. Pseudonyms are produced by a revolutionary pseudonym machine created by Mr. Snipes in his laboratory.)
-Wimpy Question
“Hi Wesley.
I have a big problem. A few months ago I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. We broke up, but she recently told me that she was pregnant but isn’t sure who the father is. What should I do? I’m not ready to be a father. I’m financially unstable at the moment and can’t afford to support a child. What if it isn’t even mine? I need advice Wesley Snipes; what should I do?
PSEUDONYM 05017b”
-Powerful Reply
“Cool Story Bro.
This is a prime example of where I am far superior to J.K (Jeremy Kyle, I just pulled some crazy abbreviation caper all over that ITV 1 personality). He would be all like “the most sensible solution is to take a DNA test on the child when he/she is born. This will determine whether or not you are the father to the baby and where you stand legally.” I say no. That’s the last thing you want to do.
Firstly you may or may not have to fill out a number of complicated forms to get a DNA test. If you don’t spell too good when you fill these out it may lead to the baby doctor deducting what is known as “child points” from you. Every “child point” that is deducted reduces the percentage of accuracy in the test. Get this form wrong and you could only be 35% of a father to this child!
Secondly, this shit takes ages. Not only do you have to wait on average 8 to 10 days for the baby to arrive (or “be born”), but when it does you have to sit around and wait while it’s fed manually through computer that determines its sex, favourite colour and hobbies. This can take up to 15 minutes, and you need instant results.
My advice is simple. Cut out the middle man. Go you your pregnant ex-girlfriend immediately and yell at her stomach until the baby itself gives up the information and tells you who that daddy is. Babys are usually mentally underdeveloped in the early stages of pregnancy and are sure to crack under unrelenting and most importantly loud questioning. Your ex may become agitated by this, but it is important that you remain focused on the developing life form in her belly, it’s the one holding all the cards and has all the information. Information you need.
Failing this the speculation and gossip of those around you who aren’t directly involved in the situation is usually a good source of information. People who have nothing to do with you or any aspects of your life are surprisingly intuitive.
Follow my advice and you’ll be fine PSEUSDONYM 05017b.
Take care brother.
WESLEY SNIPES.”
If you have a problem and want Wesley Snipes to help you. Please either leave a query as a comment below this article or email your problem to the address below and we will pass your questions along to the star of “White Men Can’t Jump” and “Jungle Fever”
Tags: Advice, Celebrity, Child, Child Points, Crazy Abbreviation Capers, DNA, Evading Capture, Ex-Girlfriend, Father, Favourite Colour, Hobbies, ITV, Jeremy Kyle, Laboratory, Metaphorical shit, Pseudonym, Sylvester Stallone, Things That Could Up To 15 Minutes, Tommy Lee Jones, Wesley Snipes
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Hi Wesley,
First off – im a big fan. You were easily the 2nd or 3rd best thing about Blade 3.
Now to my problem… I have recently woken up from a cryogenic state of sleep in the future (I was frozen in the 80s), and I literally have the freedom of the world. Unfortunatly, this Stallone bloke keeps chasing after me. Now, I read somewhere that you had a problem similiar to this once, and I’m wondering how you dealt with it. Any help would be greatly appreciated cos hes really annoying. Like not just with the trying to kill me, but when he talks and that. In particular he keeps going on about that film ’stop or my mom will shoot’.
Also, do you know where I can find Sharone Stone? She was hot back when i got frozen.
Cheers
WTF
Cool Story Bro.
First of all thanks for the compliment about Blade 3, and I agree my hair cut in that film was the certainly the best thing in it and overshadowed my performance.
Stallone can be a right motherf**ker when it comes to following you around all the damn time and getting up in your face. I remember once I was trying to buy some Hubba Bubba in the future and then he turned up and chased me up and down this shopping centre. I had to leave the Hubba Bubba behind and return at a later date; but unfortunately I had no need for it at that time. This incident never made it into the 1993 documentary Demolition Man though, but it was really annoying.
You must remember one thing about Stallone; as bright and articulate as he is, he has one weakness. He has an unholy fascination with Bernard Matthews. This can be used to your advantage. Something I used to do when he was catching up with me is stop and grab the nearest object and say its a new Bernard Matthews product. Stallone would then immediately return to his mobile home and consult the Bernard Matthews website to find out more information about it.
Making it easy for you to make your escape.
I hope that helps
Take it easy brother.
Wesley Snipes
P.S Sharon Stone is fictional.
Dear Wesley,
what do? my left arm is longer than right arm?
what do?
thankyou
Brian
Cool Story Bro,
First off I love your name Fischer. I reminds me of fishing rods. I love fishing rods more than my wife and her sister before she got fat.
Don’t panic about your arm man. Chicks love unsymmetrical guys. Why do you think Robert Pattinson is so in right now? It’s because one side of his face is more interesting than the other. I say embrace the fact that left arm is longer than your right, you are no Elephant Man. You can do some many things with your gift. Such as pass the salt further to your left than the average man.
Your problem makes you beautiful and unique, and I Wesley Snipes love you for that.
Take it easy brother
Wesley Snipes.
Whats up motherfucker? You ran you motherfucking bitch, whats up? You wanna go some bitch?
Cool Story Bro.
Hi, Wes (can i call you Wes? I hope so, it makes this whole thing sound much more informal and lovely doesn’t it?).
Anyways, Wesley-babez, i have terrible, terrible piles, can you fix them for me? my doctor prescribed a lotion, and said the best way to apply it was to get a b list actor with a criminal record to apply it to the hurty area.
Mickey Rourkes and Robert Downs Juniors have all moved up to the A bracket, and you are all I have left.
Could you also tell me the best way to avoid piles, and have you ever had piles, or any other inflamation of the anus, such as a fissure?
Look forward to hearing from you, all the best, love, Jimmy Ofey.
p.s i loved you in Norbit. (Or was that the other guy?)
Sounds lie you need a preparation-H list not a B list, amiright?
I don’t know what anyone just said before me, but I think this article has got it all wrong :/
Joke! It actually grew SIDEWAYS!
Sideways.
And now downwards.
Downwards.
Downwards.
Downwards.
Downwards.
Downwards.
wtf Torba Froopter? I dont get it?
Would I suit a beard?
Dear Wesley Snipes
I wish you could shave me?
Dear Wes
I may have never even heard of you until two minutes ago, but I am a big fan now. You make Dear Deidre look like shit.
Basically my problem is Dave wont publish my articles, I’ve asked nicely, and then tried to Publicly embarass him, but none of this seems to work? He has just laughed it off as a bit of fun, what do you suggest? I know you have had good experience with making people look foolish.
I look forward to hearing from you!
P.S. As much as I want to succeed I dont want to dress like a lady like you did in that Desert film…..
That Jordan Bills needs to find a job.